My book has 2 POV characters, so I've approached the story from a couple different angles. All critiques and advice are greatly appreciated. I'd also love to know which angle creates the most intriguing pitch/which approach I should focus on. Thanks!
1. Kiara Desai was conceived naturally, a felony amidst the War on Genes. When her parents are killed, she becomes hell-bent on finding the murderer. As she corners her suspect, key moments of her memory are obliterated, including the knowledge of her parents’ killer.#SFT #PitDark
2. Hem has a secret. Revealing it means saving his best friend, but sentencing his community to death. Hiding it means genocide for an entire class. The ticking time bomb is in his hands; the only way to defuse it is to make a choice - before someone makes it for him.#T #PitDark
3. R. PLAYER ONE x WOOL
Hem relies VR to combat cabin fever, but it isn’t enough to keep him from wondering about the Outside, a world he's never seen. His curiosity gets him marked for expulsion, a bitter sweet punishment - until he learns he's not being sent Outside.#SPEC #PitDark
4. Kiara Desai is on a plummeting cargo plane. On it is a data drive worth killing for. Now, the pilot is dead, the plane is fractured, the drive is gone, and Kiara witnesses it all. The worst part is she can't remember what she doing on that plane in the first place #PitDark #PH #T
#1 I LOVE the first half of it. The second half is passive (are obliterated Is specifically passive voice). Who obliterated it? What’s she up against?
#2 is pretty generic. Can you add some specifics to spice it up?
3 and 4 are pretty good. 4 being better to me.
Thanks for the feedback, Michael! Now that you point it out, I realize #2 is generic. I'll see if I can add specifics without giving away any major reveals
For #1: As she corners her suspect, he obliterates key moments of her memory, including the knowledge of her parents’ killer.
I'm leaning toward 3 and 4. Both have elements that stick with me, whereas the first two feel kind of passive/generic, like Michael mentioned. Some possible specifics for those:
1) Kiara's parents were killed because she was conceived naturally? If not, it might not be necessary info. 2) What's the secret Hem knows? Info on a politician who came from the class that could be obliterated?
I think Kiara being born naturally and the gene war is significant world building. I kind of love it.
Thanks for the feedback! Yes, Kiara's parents die as a result of a hate crime against illegally born children. I tried to imply that. Would you recommend specifically stating that?
I'd work it in...it's so cool. That immediately gives us emotional depth with Kiara.
Seems you got great feedback here, so I'll watch the post for updates in case you want feedback on a new version of the pitch :)
Hi Mica!
I tried another format, hoping it would be an easy read for someone quickly scrolling through Twitter. Do you think these work?
BLINDSPOT x ORPHAN BLACK
1:00 Kiara is on a plummeting cargo plane with no memory of how she got there
2:00 Rescue arrives
3:00 She's put in a white-walled room, and something about it feels familiar
Familiar isn't always a good thing. #PitDark #SFT #SFH
THE 100 x BIOSPHERE 2
Who: Subject Bohemia
What: Prove humans can survive in a contained environment
Why: To make life on Mars possible
How: Sustain 20,000 human subjects in the Dome
Problem: Subjects are tempted to open the airlock, a fatal scenario on Mars.
#PitDark #SPEC #DS
BLINDSPOT x ORPHAN BLACK
1:00 Kiara is on a plummeting cargo plane with no memory of how she got there
2:00 Rescue arrives
3:00 She's put in a white-walled room, and something about it feels familiar
Familiar isn't always a good thing. #PitDark #SFT #SFH
I like the times, especially 1:00 because it gives us character and situation and stakes. However the stakes go away when she is rescued a moment later, and after that it seems like the whole 1:00 situation isn't related to anything else in the pitch. I can't really tell what the main idea of the book is, except maybe to regain her memory? Which is a trope that might ward off some agents. I'd recommend building up the storyline more with each time point instead of throwing in disparate events and vaguely stating that "familiar could be bad" (as I'm not sure what to make of that). Shoot for concrete stakes, concrete goal.
THE 100 x BIOSPHERE 2
Who: Subject Bohemia
What: Prove humans can survive in a contained environment
Why: To make life on Mars possible
How: Sustain 20,000 human subjects in the Dome
Problem: Subjects are tempted to open the airlock, a fatal scenario on Mars.
This isn't working for me, as there's no main character and no clear plot or stakes, and I'm just asking too many questions (what do you mean by contained environment? why would people open the airlock? what's the Dome?). It also doesn't set itself apart as much as the previous one.
1:00 Kiara is on a plummeting cargo plane with no memory of how she got there 1:13 She finds a woman holding the pilot at gunpoint 1:17 The woman says she's doing it for Kiara If Kiara is to survive, she better remember her mission & why she boarded that plane.#PitDark #SFT #SFH
This still suffers from the missing-memory trope, but is cohesively much better and poses the good kinds of questions, like "why would this woman take Kiara's plane down for Kiara?" which makes me want to know more.
An alternative to give you more space for more words:
1:00 Kiara is on a plummeting cargo plane with no memory of how she got there
1:17 The woman hijacking the plane says she's doing it for Kiara